Conversations

Before full moon I was feeling... connected. Days were flowing easily. But then I started to get anxious. There is the moving out thing going on. Also, there's the master's thing (I don't know how to say it in english), which deadline is approaching faster than I'm actually studying... or working. Or even doing anything. I try to say that I don't blame myself. And I really want to believe in this... The feeling of guilty only makes it worse. It's so easy to fool ourselves, isn't? Anyway, I think I began to get lost at the moment I didn't pay attention to myself. Maybe I can find a new rhythm now. Or maybe this is a "not-ever-ending-search", something like Sísifo myth... I'm trying to put all my efforts to be less philosophical.

Yesterday I was talking to my students and I told them to think about a landscape. What is the first image that came to you? Do you remember the last time you spent minutes, maybe more than one hour, just looking at some landscape?  Now take that picture in your mind and focus on especific points. How much can you remember? There is that difference: the possibility of looking at a big picture and seeing how those little things get together to build "one" picture, regardless it's peculiarities. However... If we only focus on the big picture we might not be able to perceive details in there, details which may be so beautiful and so meaningful that we regret not have seen them.   On the other hand, if we only pay attention to details we could miss the whole picture. So, how can we balance our focus? Our position as observer of the reality? *I was thinking that this would be a "not so philosophic text". I think I failed

 It's not our experiences the source of our "identity", is it? (The "who we are" thing. Deeply. That inner concept of "being", of "self", or whatever is the correctly or better way to say it... So hard to talk about, it seems). It's what we have chosen to become with those experiences. Does it make difference to pass through a huge amount of situations if we don't grow with it? If we don't think about it, we will be changed by either way, possibly without our perception of it. But if we thinkabout it, if we have the courage to look into ourselves, we will choose the path. We can choose, at some level -the direction of who we want to become. Who am I going to be? Am I paying attention to myself?   

 What am I connected to? After get something I suddenly look into it a little bit deeper... So fast, if I could put into words as fast as it happens would be like a short documentary. Lots of... Thoughts. Such as: why am I connected to this? How did I get at this point? And, ahm, the most important doubts about myself: Do I wanna keep these connections? Do I want to change it, to improve it, to let it go? Which is, itself, a inner dialogue about being able to connect past, present abd future 'selfs' from the bigger picture "myself". Also, this is an attempt to actualy choose who I want to become. Connecting to myself to build another self.  I guess was something like that...