Deep Water

Whats wrong?

I drowned myself. I didn't write or did my face massage - which I have promised to do everyday. I didn't follow my daily routine and studying schedule neither. Why? Why didn't I? .. And now I fell like crying (just a little).

It feels akward. I mean, I know what I need to do based on a bigger picture... (or at least convinced myself in some moment of awareness). My lazyness takes the lead and gently pull me towards postponing everything - in just a tiny little moment of sleepness (and it happens often, in different intensity).

Regardless my effort to plan my activities I remain struggling with lack of willingness. Even regardless my effort to keep myself motivated. Yet, it is possible to observe frustration by another point of view - due to some knowledge about the brain and neuroscience concepts. Previously any deviation would carry me out directly at the edge of a breakdown. Now I feel it while observing it, in some crazy self-awareness.. among moody, selfish and irrational behavior in that single moment of... drowing

Anyway. I wasn't able to reach my goals. And by that I don't mean "I did nothing": there were many things I did which are part of my routine goals (otherwise I woudn't be so calm writing this, neither so rational). However... it was less. Than. Necessary. Less than I really wanted as minimum.

I can imagine a voice saying.. "aren't you putting your expectations too high?" Or even the "aren't you being too hard on yourself?". And. Honestly?

I don't feel so.

I managed to relax and have fun in the last few days without feeling guilt about it. I was able to enjoy those days. This... this is new. I got lost but not as much as usual. Really... days after a "crashdown" (when I don't achieve important "goals" and my frustration leads me right to the "bottom of the pit" /risos/) it takes several trials until my thoughts and actions become self-aware and change the course of my crises.

The problem is in the moment...

The sticky dirty feeling of

 "I'll do it later". 

And,... oh. I'm excellent tricking myself. I deceive myself. Rationally. Sometimes outloud; many times as... whispers, bribing me to skip whatever chore I need to do.    /note: "Self-Care" (not everytime really) reasons.

Yeah. Maybe sometimes it is a good call. To take care of myself and alow restness. The right one for this moment. But not as have been happening. I don't feel like I've been using this as a wise justification. It's more like an excuse.

Why

Can't I

Stop being like this?

Why can't I obbey my own rational calls and simply do what I must?

There aren't unknown tasks or really difficult ones. Most part of it (what I need to do) I actually appreciate and feel good after doing it. So many little things... Like working out, taking deep breaths or.. just drawing something pretty; singing something beautiful; learning something new.

If all off this is so rewarding, why don't I simply do it? It doesn't make sense

Tiredness is not a possible cause in this specifically. Deadlines are coming and each day I don't do what I must I bury this sensation of drowing myself deeper and deeper - and becomes more difficult for me to pretend I'm not.