Priorities

"If you are distressed by anything external, the pain is not due to the thing itself, but to your estimate of it; and this you have the power to revoke at any moment."  

I used to read this pretty often. So did my coordinator, at that time. It served as a painful yet necessary reminder.

Such as: "pain is mandatory, suffering is a choice".

The tiny little moment of choice, those infinite moments of daily life bind together in a one-way strong flux, growing stronger as each choise is made... The snowball of daily priorities. Regardless it assemble with my truthful inner purposes.

So I end up chosing paths that I regret taking. I found myself (again) at places I didn't want to be anymore. Something inside of me has chosen this direction and it's not the part that takes care of me, or the parts that protect me, help me and love my... "self". Myself.

I haven't acted kindly at myself.

I'm confused.

I want to ask for help, but I don't know how... Or to whom. 

I wish I didn't feel like thinking about getting some help. 

Ah. Yes. I had thoughts about this as I was writting: "My priority now is to make an adjustment*". I need some "inward" direction. The most confusing part about this is my mind. It confuses me. As I become more disconnected from my body, my mind confuses me and leads me into states where I feel out of control. I can't feel... Connected.

Can I do it by myself?

Can I make the necessary adjustments to align myself with my genuine priorities?

I honestly want to improve - my routine, my focus, my discipline. My jazz improvisation, my mushrom drawings, my stretching. My breathing exercises, my variety of deep and fun topics to study, OH. I miss it.

I miss speding hours focused solely in one thing, repeating over and over until mistakes become one step closer to master it. Whether it's playing the piano or giving a presentation at an academic event. 

I can do and I can be so much more than what I've been trying to...

I want to overcome myself. Continuously. And... Every time I feel like I've failed myself it feels as tough as a gigantic snowball, slowly suffocating me as time goes by. Antient addictions, weeknesses, states of mind come back and haunt me litterely as ghots do on thriller movies.

Yeah. I feel haunted. Haunted by my desires and my lazyness. Haunted by my excuses and lack of courage.

Gosh

Perhaps going for a hike would help me. 

Meditating certainly would.


I wish I could be with you.


-


* "Adjustment" such as in: Dichotmy of Control - Shi Heng Yi

Comentários

Postar um comentário

Postagens mais visitadas deste blog

Myself

I lured myself I set myself as the purpose to convince me that I must help I wasn't the end goal being perfect, drawing my picture ~for others was. I held a mask o f strenght f or others (Which didn't even suit me) I pushed limits blindly Getting myself sick. For others. I din't rest My body My mind My feelings for myself, I did put effort Into getting better But not for myself. How do I do that? I'm the most precious thing there is for my own existance. How much can I help others being able to help myself? How do I put myself  as "the" purpose? And not myself as a road to get where I want? I surely liked the ideia I was doing that.  Pushing my limits for my own sake. Just to find out layers of self-denial, Old trauma, Memories and forgotten feelings... That's life, maybe?
Leia mais

Do It

"And what is to be brave?" I asked him. And there were so many things unsaid... A brief breathing sharing deeper meanings exchanged through our shared memories - memories of other talks, other puzzles, other enlighted moments. We had those kind of conversations before. Those that lead us to deep layers of understandment... when words come out of us as a "natural" inner voice you know? And out of this special moments some little special keys were created. Keys that open different doors to places we have already been together.  Shared ideas-bridges... Gentle ideas full of overwhelming meanings yet so hard to digest. Even not being able to describe it, sinply by knowing someonelse understands you creates connection.  Anyway. He answered me right after, with a face expression that connected this sense of nostalgia throughout our deep shared understanding nurtured during the past few weeks: "to do something even if you are afraid of".  This happend on October 5...
Leia mais

Connection

 "Two days". His words were flowing into me as smoothly as my favorite tea. I don't understand how it's possible, but it seems that some people simply "fit" into us effortlessly. We can talk for hours, focusing just on the conversation, and have a great time. Time slips away unnoticed, and I realize I haven't eaten or even had a glass of water all night. Yet, I feel an exhilarating sense of excitement and aliveness, completely engaged and interested. Connection through communication. The rhythm, the language, the body language, the topics. When we were apart I was filled with anticipation, eagering to find him and start talking with him once again. Actually, if we could just stay there, standing, I would be glad. Don't think about the past, and don't think more than two days ahead. Take care of your sleep, your body, your actions. Basicly, chose to do the right thing. Thanks for enlighting me.
Leia mais